Me, myself, and I. . .

What a holiday it has been. I have learned soo much in such a short amount of time it is astounding. It also makes me envy (almost) the ignorant. The ignorant masses who just buy into what their predecessors tell them about the world, never making any firm decisions for themselves. In a way this blog is for them. 

Before I start this blog I don't know if I can even finish it, there is just so much to be said. There is so much to talk about in fact that I doubt I will be able to top this blog in terms of sheer emotion for awhile to come. And if I do have more emotional moments in my life I hope they are happy. In fact I am tempted to just put everything out there on the line in this one, and I just might. So without further ado let's begin. . .

So I have been back living in America for awhile and the veil of friendliness and fun has faded, leaving me with a reality more bitter than I ever knew it to be. But surely the things around me have always been like this and I was just so optimistic in the past that I was walking around oblivious in my own self made land of happiness and gum drops. But life has worn me down over the years leaving me with shattered fragments of a past I thought I had but was all just bullshit. Like I have no idea how this reality has just crept up on me so suddenly. So what is this reality!?! Let's break it down into 4 categories family, friend, "relationships" and lastly myself.

Family: I always thought my family was a model family, always about education and good morals. I thought that everyone was there to build up the next member of the family not kick them while they are going through hard times. What I found out since being back for a few weeks is far from the truth. First there was some talk about what I was going to do next with my life. My grandmother made a joke at my expense saying, "Ohh he is going to be just like Aunt Monique just jobless and hopeless, hahaha". What the hell kind of shit is that? I was angry at such a hateful remark. With that remark she had pretty much offended 2 family members at once. Then there was another joke made by her at my cousin Greg's expense. Greg is having "relationship problems" with his girlfriend. So when she once again didn't come to one of his family functions it was pointed out in a joking fashion to a room full of family members. Again what the fuck. And my mom is always so worked up about me and my sister. I know my mom means well, but she is just way to conservative for my tastes. Well it isn't that she is conservative it's just she is old fashioned and believes in what I believe to be dated practices. But I still love my mother even though we always have clashes here and there. I try not to give her a hard time but it is inevitable. There were some other small family quarrels and little unnecessary comments made but I won't dwell on it for too long. But I still love my family dearly just surprised that I could have been so wrong in my thoughts of the. And I don't mean everyone in my family because some are just as sweet and caring as I thought they were.

Friends: Definitely the most alarming and disappointing realization are the ones concerning my "friends". I mean you get to chose your friends! So when I came to my senses on my friends it hurt the most because I wanted to keep believing in the fantasy illusions concerning my friends. When it came to my friends I could keep deluding myself for just a little bit longer. But I realized I couldn't keep telling myself lies forever, I would have to face the reality sooner or later. Like when Cameron avoided my calls or public interactions with me, I told myself oh he is just busy. I didn't tell myself the truth which I knew, oh he is inconvenienced when he hangs out with me. How is he inconvenienced by me though!?! We'll we took different paths in our lives he became a frat guy and I became a hippie, those two types only get together when there is a drug deal to be made. The other guys in his frat probably don't like me and as a result Cameron must not either. You know the whole "Mob mentality". When I went to Nashville Cameron was there too but we didn't drive together I went with Chris and Charles. And Cameron went with Sam and frat guy #4. Frat guy #4 made a comment about my pants at the show, something along the lines of how tight they were. Too which I responded thanks for that observation anything else I should know about my wardrobe? I mean I didn't know he was the fashion police. That probably pissed him off so then Cameron made a comment about it as well, to reassert his position in the frat (like a wolf reasserts himself in the pack). Then they got pissed off when other people at the concert complemented me on one of my many silly hats. At that point they came to the conclusion that since other people at this concert liked my individuality both the men and women, that "everyone at this show must be a bunch of fags". Sweet generalization right?

So Saturday night I had my illusion of my friends flipped upside down and set on fire, like a Ford Expedition driving on Firestone tires (the ones that explode). The night started with me eating a sandwich and drinking a beer by myself (tell you why in "relationships"). After that some shit went down at Bradley's house which involved a drunken guy going ape shit beating and kicking Bradley's door, yelling about some money or something. And before that Charles completely ate shit on my fixed gear bike. So those events were exciting and I had a lot of hope for the rest of the night after having such a lonely and crummy start. So the plan was to go to Margaret sister's house for a party. It would turn out to be like either my 3rd or 4th redneck party, and the racial tension was so thick I could have turned it into a soup. I walked in wearing my raccoon skin hat, and instantly pissed a bunch of people off. I didn't quite pick up on the racism at this point but I immediately got grilled on it. One of the women there said "why are you wearing that hat?".

To which I replied, "I just like to wear silly hats". Then she turned and whispered what I had just said to someone sitting next to her like I wasn't speaking in English. And the whispers continued as I went back to say hello to Mary and to get a beer. Some of the guys followed me back I guess to make sure I didn't steal anything or rape any of the women! So then I was starting to realize "hmmm something isn't quite right here". So in the back room one of the women who had  been divorced at least once (as was everyone else there) took a fancy too me. And started up a kind of flirty conversation with me about China. She had seen my video of my apartment but lumped Japan in with China in an ignorant fashion (you know all dem' asians shall do look a like). I forgave her stupidity on the matter and didn't see it as racist because she didn't really know me so maybe it was a common mistake!?! So one of the guys who had followed me back went ahead and put a stop to our conversation with this little number: "You get hit on in China only to come back to get hit on in Memphis! Guess you two are going to run off into the Jungle together?". This was followed by a painfully awkward silence before someone asked about a movie that was playing on the TV in the room. Then Margaret lead me and Chris back to the front room where I made some small talk in an attempt at being nice. I said something about the Zip Line they had in the back yard, and where it ended. The answer I got was "Ohh that Zip Line goes to Africa, you should get on it"! Then one of the guys made a comment about how the party could not possibly go on with me there, obviously hinting at maybe using force to eject me from the party. At this point I realized that I was trapped in a house full of angry divorced rednecks! And then like clockwork Obama was brought up!

"First they take over the White House and now they are coming into our homes, these people must be crazy".

And similar comments were made all night. But wait a minute here some of the people at this party were my friends, people I had have known for years, surely they would take my side and save me. WRONG! Almost all of my friends said off handed remarks to me as well, as if this whole situation was my fault! Gauging by how drunk and angry people were I am sure that the party wasn't too "merry" even before my arrival. So it was convenient (for them at least) for me to arrive at the party because then they could pin all that was wrong in their failed lives and marriages on me. Before I got there they could just be angry at each other for all the fucked up shit that happened, but once I came then they had a common grievance. . .ME! I can imagine them thinking unanimously, "Boy I sure do hate my life and the way it turned out and I hate everyone else here, but if it's one thing I hate more than all of that it's a nigger!". So I was disappointed, to say the least, in my "friends". But I supposed I could see where they were coming from some of my attackers were there family members and family comes first! So based on their environment alone they had to adapt and that adapting meant attacking me. 

It kind of hurts though I have known some of these people for 9 years almost half my life, and they turned on me in an instant. Well sorry guys if I ruined your night, and "inconvenienced" you. . . I suppose it was only okay to be my friend when we were younger, but now that we are adults it isn't "okay" to have minority friends. Oh and I am not sure if it was because she was really drunk or what, but Meg was my only friend who didn't say anything off handed. And I have only known Meg for a short while yet she turned out to be the most dependable! I will never forget you now Meg. Nor your legs in those shorts!! ^_^

"Relationships": Good ole' Saturday night, what a night it was! Woke up hungry with nothing to eat (right after Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday!). So I decided I should go out have a beer and get something to eat and enjoy some good conversation with some people. So I texted Brandon first to see if he was down for pizza and beer, then I texted Kendra with the same inquiry figuring the more the merrier, and also because on Thanksgiving night I kind of left Amanda's apartment abruptly, which is where Kendra was. But coming from partying it up in midtown to lame ass CBU, where it is just 2 people laying down on a couch is a definite downer (for me at least). So I hope if they are reading they can understand my logic I wanted to party it up not sit on a couch and watch TV. So anyway Brandon texted me saying that he couldn't come because he was broke. But Kendra could come, so I was happy because at least someone was coming and I felt I kind of owed it to her more than anyone else. I don't mean that to sound full of myself and saying I am doing her a favor by letting her eat pizza with me. It's just my interactions with her are eerily similar to my interactions with my ex-girlfriend Marjorie. And I hated how things went between me and Marjorie, I still do hate how things went. She would give up so much for me but when it was time for me to make sacrifices for her I either complained or just plain flaked out. Everything bad about that relationship was because of me, I saw my mistakes, but made no effort to correct them. And now all I can think of is how foolish I was and still am. I told myself that I wouldn't be the same way again in another relationship, but I have and haven't been the same. I have been pretty much the same, but my loophole here is that I haven't had another "girlfriend" just interactions so I can somehow justify it that way. Somehow I find justification in acting just as callous now as I did then. 

So anyway when the time came I called Kendra and she didn't answer so later on I sent her a text as I sat by myself eating a sandwich and drinking a Black & Tan. Realizing that I would probably not see her or Brandon tonight I called Marjorie to try one more time to salvage anything that was left, but she deserves something better, and I think at this point we both know it. As much as I would like to say I have tried I won't know it for sure until I am in an official relationship. So in a way I wanted Marjorie and me to get back together so I could give back to her what she had given to me, and to test myself to see if I had really grown as a person or was I just deluding myself some more. But I am going to just let Marjorie go and hope with all my heart she ends up happy in her life, with someone that will sacrifice everything they have just to be by her side. Meanwhile I hope I find someone so foolish to do something similar with me.

And I am still crippled by my fickleness, and mood swings. Like before I left for Japan I was talking with Kendra a bit and things were a bit rocky, but it was good overall. When I thought back about the situation in Japan I was happy. But then fast forward to the next time I am in town and I was let down, and a bit angry. I saw Kendra again for only a short time and I was disappointed when I tried to get Kendra to come hang out with me at my place and she said no. So when I left this time and started reflecting in Japan I just remember disappointment, and that would go on to affect the next meeting which has already transpired, which wasn't too good either. Once again I am most likely 100% at fault here. And I am not sure if I care anymore about even trying with these relationships. I am so sheltering of my feelings and don't want to get hurt so much that I sometimes avoid happy moments, out of fear of the inevitable moments of sadness and melancholy those happy times will come with. But all that leaves me with is just sad times though. 

Myself: So all of this makes me look at myself again. Seeing my friends turn on me and seeing my family act in a way so bizzare to me made me think that I should just withdraw completely into myself. Let's face it life is crummy so why should you let other people's crummy lives bring down your own? Why not just deal with your own bullshit life by yourself? I want to hope this is possible that I can just go to the Peace Corps and be all alone just me and nature, but I don't even know, anymore. A VERY large part of me wants to just pick up and leave Memphis for good and just leave behind most of the people I have meet here and just cut off ties and start fresh. I want nothing more now than to start over and make new friends and new potential girl friends, and forget about all the heartache here. But that is always my answer, when stuff gets me down I just turn tail and run away. That was always my answer to just run away, but this time I am going to try to stand firm and fight, I will get tired of running eventually. But if I feel that I will lose I will run again and lick my wounds until the next battle. It's always better to live to fight another day. But no matter how bad it seems I am happy to have just the hardships I have in my life, because I know that somewhere else in the world the last problem someone has to worry about is whether to find new friends or not. But with that said I am seriously thinking of just withdrawing into myself for awhile. . .