The revelation

Don't you just love the South?

So first of all I wanted to say that this week has been filled with some of the most enjoyable days I think I have had ever!! On tuesday I went out on a bike ride with 3 other bikers. It was the biggest bike group I had ridden with ever (in Japan it was usually just me). That statement can be misconstrued I have ridden with a large number of people before but I wouldn't count that because those rides were for transportation only, moving from point A to point B. But the ride tuesday was just for the ride. Needless to say it was quite cold and I had on no socks, as is usual for me. And yesterday I went to Nashville to see Kings of Leon. I must say yesterday was an excellent day just because things went right, like almost everything that could have gone right for me did. So I had one insanely fun day and one day where things just went my way all day long. ^_^

I am not going to talk too much about those two days and all the fun I had because there is something more pressing. I called this blog revelation for a reason. So in all these days zipping around doing what ever fun things I can find and burning through my cash reserves (thanks to my new bike project), I realized that something was wrong. I didn't just realize that something was wrong I always knew subconsciously. . .

So for the past week or so my vision for my future was split into two different visions: either moving to California or going to Eastern Europe in the Peace Corps. Moving to California is what I really want to do, in fact I wanted to do that when I was in college before the whole Japan idea. So then why is my vision split between my real aspiration and something so foreign? 

Before I answer that I have to examine the Peace Corps with one thing in context. The context here is that I love traveling and experiencing new cultures, but I find other cultures are best to just "experience" it is hard to complete adapt to a whole new culture all at once, it taxes all your mental and physical capacities all at once. I am not saying that it is impossible just that it's not something I could do at this point in my life. So with a frame of reference laid out let's look at the Peace Corps.

If I went with the Peace Corps I would get to travel to a new location for 2 years and make a difference in the lives of other people. As a volunteer in the Peace Corps I wanted to do work dealing with the environment since getting into biking I have become a real hippie and now I am all about saving the environment and getting more people on bikes and off of cars. But I have no idea how to get a foot into the door in the environmental industry. So the Peace Corps was going to be my ticket. But as much as I care about the environment there are arrangements in the Peace Corps that are in no way realistic to someone as myself. I am not going to elevate myself falsely into some selfless saviour of the derelict members of society (I may be a derelict myself haha).

So now let's examine these "arrangements" which may or may not exist because I am pretty sure these are all on a case by case basis, but being the overall pessimistic optimist I am I usually just assume I will get screwed. So I assumed that my conditions would be all the worst. This would mean that I would have to live with a host family the whole time I was there, the roads would be unpaved and be horrible for fixed gear cycling, and I would probably get there and either get sick or want to leave. The first is by far the worst of the 3 things I just listed. There is no way I could live with a host family I would never be able to relax I would always try to go out of my way to create a harmonious environment and give back to them, since they would take me into there home and would undoubtedly not have much. I mean the Peace Corps isn't sending me on vacation I would be going to 3rd world countries to help out, countries like Kyrgyzstan and Azerbaijan. The other 2 aren't as bad I could make some conversions to my bike to make it an off road fixie, and I am a veteran of living overseas now so I could probably cope better a 2nd time around. And I am not even factoring in language here and my ability to communicate with the locals that is a big thing too, but the 1st hurdle of the host family is just not realistic, as selfless as I strive to be I know that something just going against my character. And after spending so much time looking at myself I can say that living with a host family is a catalyst for disaster for me.

So why then is this the Peace Corps even an option for me? If my dream truly is to go to California, why not just lock my sights on California and make it happen!?! 

Well not too long ago I had a conversation with Lucifer about somethings, and he brought me to my senses. And no I am not talking about that Lucifer but rather a friend I have from New York. It took him shoving my own shit down my throat to make me snap out of my stupidity and realize what drives me. Lucifer told me that I make irrational decisions! He said "going to Eastern Europe is dumb you already had one bad experience overseas so why waste time doing it again?". 

Then I came back with some bullshit about loving to travel and it would be different somehow this time. It genuinely could, but he called me out for saying bullshit. It was at that point I wanted to just weasel out of the conversation I was being forced to deal with my own inane crap, and I just wanted to turn tail and run. But I didn't I stayed in the conversation because I was curious as to where it might lead. And boy am I glad I hung around that was the biggest moment of clarity ever for me! The first was when I was talking to Shianna, who is quite a bit younger than me, but wise beyond her years. Well Shianna just gave me advice I drew my own clarity from her straightforwardness. Lucifer's moment of clarity was more abstract and indirect which might have lead it to being a bigger sense of clarity. Lucifer had taken something I always knew deep down, something so familiar, and made it abstract to me. He had in essence made me look at myself in a funhouse mirror, in particular the one that stretches you out and makes you look really tall and important. 

After talking to Lucifer I realized clearly what my real dream is. It's not to go off jet setting to some foreign country and learning a new language in order to have a life there, it's not just settling for something or just giving up hope and becoming bitter, nor is it going to California. Although I enjoy all of those things and would do any of them in a heart beat. But those aren't dreams those are just aspirations, side distractions that make my real dream possible. And that dream is to get out of Memphis. . .

I didn't just realize this I always knew I didn't like the south and it's ultra conservative mindset. As David Cross said, "if Osama Bin Laden really hated america for our freedom Denmark and Sweden would be fucked, since they are freer than we are.

But it is the overbearing need to be free of the south that drives me to make my decisions, and it is this that is my dream. It is this very reason why I say things to myself like "Well if I don't make it to California I will just go to Eastern Europe". There is a huge disconnect between those two things. I am so blinded by my need to leave the south that I will jump at any opportunity to be free from it indefinitely. But I am not acting like this is the case I slink around here and then all of a sudden jump at something sporadically there is no plan no focus. I act  on desperation only. Even though I realize my decisions are irrational; even though I have identified what my real dream is, I still will probably act irrationally. The thing is that now I will know I am acting irrationally. So it looks like that my revelation was pointless, it wasn't even a revelation it was an epiphany really, but it isn't pointless it makes a world of difference (to me at least). 

I am going to take steps to be more patient and to think about the long term instead of just the present and the short term.