Heartless

So I promised I would write about how my teachers have changed since that day. But I have changed my mind I now need to turn my attention to the shitty company I work for. I am sure many of you who are reading this are familiar with NOVA and it's scandals. I don't even know where to start with Heart. So

I guess I will start from the beginning, the job was shady from day one after I accepted the job and made my preparations for leaving to Japan, they told me that they wouldn't be able to get my Visa to me before I left. I was like umm WTF!?! I kind of need the Visa to get into the country but they were like it's okay just lie to the airport staff. I should have turned the job down right then and there, but I was in a bind they didn't tell me this till a week after I sent them my flight information insuring I guess that I wouldn't back out of the deal after discovering there shady plans. So I flew to Japan dreading what was going to happen when I got to the country since I didn't have a visa. But it all ended up working out and I made it to the hostel I was supposed to go to upon arriving in Japan.

Of course at the Hostel I meet one of my bosses and her gaggle of dim witted goons. i didn't know what the hell was going on this being my very first time in the country and the goons didn't seem to know what was going on either running back and forth asking each other questions before telling me:

"umm I don't know right now I will find out and let you know. . .maybe".

Ahh yes nothing like a firm maybe planted at the end of an answer to convey certainty, and knowledge of the situation. So then me and the other teachers joked that this company was shady as hell and we had gotten ourselves into a fine mess. But the thing was the company wasn't that bad if you didn't have to deal with them, and fortunately we rarely had to deal with Heart. They just dropped us off in our respective cities and left us to our wits, with little to no training what so ever. So luckily the job isn't hard at all or else we would all suffer greatly.

So fast forward a few months get to August up till that point that was my worst month in Japan it also happened to be my Vacation month, if I had known then what would happen now I would have stayed in America. But I came back like a fool, and then September became my worst month ever, and then October continued my torture, as I am slammed with tons of fees and bills, with little money to eat with since my company paid me next to nothing for the month. Strange how I am not in America yet I am filling the market turmoil just as much or more than my friends back home. I have been living this week off of just 2,000 yen ($20). And I am not sure if I mentioned it before but food is freakin expensive here. So I am impressed with how far I have made it. So anyway in October I missed a day of work because I was exhausted, having insomnia the night before there was no way I was going to be able to make it to work on my bike. Now I had missed days before and it was no problem but this time Heart got pissed. They called me a bunch of times I ignored the calls because I wanted to sleep. So they sent someone over to force me to go to work, I shouldn't have answered the door. But I did thinking it might be the mail man, but nope there was one of Heart's employees who barked orders at me almost immediately, telling me to get dressed and that I am going to work today. Half way asleep I stared in disbelief and then told her flat out "NO" then went back inside and bolted my door, in case they sent Yakuza hahaah. Almost immediately Heart called and told me that I better go to work I told them I had only missed like 2 days this entire year and that I was really tired. The lady held back her anger and said fine you are off today then and hung up the phone. A small victory in what was soon to become an all out war.

You see I knew all to well the way Japanese companies treated foreign workers. But I had the "That won't happen to me, I'm different mentality". You never thing bad stuff will happen to you until your knee deep in shit sinking fast and even then you are skeptical. So the battle had started and I had no idea, but I found out quickly though. Heart sent a representative to help me sort out my fines with the police and the representative told me pretty much the truth since he was only a part time worker he didn't care what I knew. So he pretty much told me Heart hates you, don't think you have any friends at the company. Wow I thought to myself what had I done to receive contempt from my boss and the goons!?! Just 2 months ago they told me I was voted their best teacher in Yamagata and that I was doing a good job, so keep up the good work. And now al of a sudden they couldn't stand me, all because I took my 3rd day off this entire year!?! I was stunned and started to get that mixed bag of feelings of isolation, loneliness, and an intense feeling of being misunderstood.

I had this same intense feeling of being misunderstood once before, when I was in college where I was pretty much a social outcast because I didn't subscribe to black stereotypes, I don't like basketball, don't wear baggy clothes (they make you look homeless like all of your clothes were hand me downs), and I don't wear fake jewelry, etc. So not being a stereotypical thug in the city of Atlanta you are automatically a homosexual interesting and ignorant dynamic. But I didn't feel alone and hopeless like I do know at least then I had a few friends in a similar situation but here I face the storm alone. It feels like me versus all of Japan. Japan is a very homogenous culture and no matter how hard you try you can never be Japanese people will try but they will always just be "gaijin" (that word might as well be a racial slur).

And another difference between now and then is I didn't care what my peers in college thought I thought they were largely ignorant, I was on scholarship and did Work study in the financial aid office and would look in shock as students would come in asking about their refund check, and my boss would tell them you really should use this money to pay off your loans and not just spend it, but he students would say 9/10 times I got to buy some new clothes going to a party, or I need new speakers and rims for my car, pure ignorance, but I can't help people make good decisions and neither could my boss no matter how much he tried to give them good advice, ultimately it's up to each person to decide what they will do and what the think. That is the beauty of free will it makes every thing so exciting and at other times so hopeless and desolate. But now I did care what my peers (and my boss) thought because I couldn't make sense of this instant change in attitude towards me, what had caused such a momentous negative shift in opinion of me!?! I felt that it was all a misunderstanding, but at this point there was nothing I could do to try to return to how things once were, I could barely communicate with most of my peers because of the langauge barrier, but I tried anyway. But after a week of trying I resigned myself to my new fate, and just dug in for the long haul.

A week after that Heart went on the offensive again. I had sent in my letter of resignation, which caused them to go mad with rage, and I was berated of course for breaching the contract, I explained to them that my mood had changed so much and I was always depressed now, whereas before I loved going to work now I dreaded it, laying awake with insomnia most nights dreading what would be whispered amongst the other teachers about me or what other teachers would run away at the sight of me like I was some kind of grotesque monster. Of course the lady at Heart didn't care about anything I was saying if she could even understand any of it, she just went back to yelling at me when I told her how hopeless it all seemed to me, and that I had no support here, and obviously no support with my company either. So I tried to re-explain to my irate supervisor. I told her that I am just pretending to be all smiles among the kids, because I love my students very much, they have touched my life so much and I hope I have touched their lives as much as they have touched mine. But I told her that my shell will crack and the facade can't be held much longer. In fact the veil of happiness I put on work was already opaque to some students, one asked me at lunch what was wrong? I put on an air of happiness and replied: "I am just tired, Kenny is just really tired. Don't worry about me".

I told my supervisor that I felt my sadness and despair would make the students melancholy, as the students tended to mimic whatever mood I was in. And that's not what I want for my students I don't want to bring them to the edge of despair and force them to look into that dark brooding lake of loneliness. I wanted my students to have the teacher they really need someone full of hope and laughter, a teacher that I once was but could no longer be again confronted with my stress and constant struggle with Heart. I want the best for my students, I only wish I could chose my replacement myself, but I wouldn't want to put someone in my place with Heart. If I could chose a teacher who could work independent of Heart I would, in fact if I could work independent of Heart I would continue working, but that is impossible.

So in the recent battle of the war. Heart told me that they are going to pretty much rape my paycheck. They are going to take 50,000 yen out of my check for the days I will miss for the next month's paycheck. I agreed with that because I did technically breach the contract. So then I thought it was over I told them I would be leaving November 4th when they asked when I will depart. Then they said that they are going to charge me for a full month of rent even though I will only be here for 4 days in November. This of course didn't make any sense the rent should have been prorated since I would only be here for 4 days out of the month. But what was I going to do I am a foreigner at the mercy of the Japanese, the courts won't listen to what I have to say, and Heart knows it, so I am at their mercy. So then just now they told me that I have to vacate my apartment by November 1st!!! Even though I of course have no where else to go. So I decided enough is enough I can't take this injustice. So I told them if I am paying for a full month of rent, that I deserve to stay at least till the 4th, I am waiting for their response but I am sure it won't show me any favor. I have found Heart is largely a Heartless corporation, cold and calculating "profits before people"!

So anticipating a negative response to my plea I think I will have to lie to get out of this country. Which is ironic considering I had to lie to get in. I think I will have to tell Heart that I will stay on and work till November 14th like they asked me too, but then leave when the 4th comes around. It may be the only way I can make it out of here :( . So now I sit here waiting the days out trying to anticipate what other hardships Heart will throw at me.

*sigh*

On a side note I would say it was still a good experience coming here. I have always wanted to come to Japan, but I see now it is a country to visit, but not one to live in. I have grown a lot since I have been here, and I think all this hardship and misery has made me a better person, and will help me appreciate the small things that I may have overlooked before ^_^