". . .Maybe he celebrates Kwanza. . ."

Ahh finally got some free time to write a bit. So I guess I will start off by explaining the title. I went to a party with a few of my friends. The party wasn't really all that spectacular in fact it was a pretty big let down. But the funny part was when I was leaving. My friends girlfriend told me "Merry Christmas", and some smart ass nearby said, "maybe he is Jewish, maybe he celebrates Kwanza" I couldn't help but laugh a little bit, because he beat me to my own punch line! I was about to say that exact same thing just to catch her off guard, but I wasn't quick enough on the draw. I will be quicker next time. It is part joke and part ways to keep people informed of other cultures and ideas. Like everyone just says "Merry Christmas" by default, just assuming everyone is a Christian. 

So I was out last night at Celtic getting drunk and getting crunk saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time. Don't even remember who all I saw but I know I saw them. Some of them are looking really good. I find that about maybe 50% of people I know from high school put on a lot of weight when they went to school. Guess it was the "freshmen 15" or something. Which I never understood if anything I lost weight freshmen year, just sitting around eating ramen and sleeping probably weighed about 130 lbs. freshmen year now I weigh about 145, but it's not fat though thank goodness for good genes, a love of cycling, and exercising. But I am glad in particular to see one person last night. I will not mention her name on her, but in high school she had an eating disorder and was always in the hospital. But now I think she has a more positive body image, and has become a beautiful young lass, I am happy that she no longer has to suffer through her disorder and can finally live her life. And speaking of living a life. . .

I need to decide what I am going to do while I wait to go into the Peace Corps. I am torn between getting a job and an apartment in Atlanta, or possibly going back to Japan or Hong Kong to live. I guess I will try for Atlanta now possibly, since it is the closet option and therefore the easier of the 3 to pursue. Plus as a bonus there is a really sweet cycling shop there that I want to check out. Hmmm decisions, decisions. . .

Why wait!?!

Photo by Emily.

So last week around 4am as I was about to lay down to go to sleep, I heard a crash. Being the curious individual I am I decided to have a look out of my window to see what all the commotion was about, I was suprised to find two guys breaking into my neighbors car! As I watched at the scene unfolding in the street I thought about the current situation in America and how hopeless America seems now. Everyday I watch the news some large corporation or organization needs a "Bailout". What exactly are we "bailing out"? I am not for most of the bailouts personally I don't think we should hand out money to ill managed organizations. Just let them deal with failure it's a part of life. Of course it would suck for all the people who will lose there job but I am kind of apathetic to them, and there shallow lives, working in their cubicles with there average salaries. It sounds harsh I know, but they do serve a purpose I need these shallow office workers to restrain themselves so that I can reach out for my dreams. Not everyone can live there dreams. Shit I might not be able to live out mine but I will try as hard as I possibly F U C K I N can. 

So speaking of reaching out for what I believe in, I am talking to an old college friend on AIM (my s/n is Vorgovnax) and he was telling me it's good that I want to help out the environment, but that I could do it here in the United States, so I should "think twice" about the Peace Corps. Sure I could work with the environment here in the US, in fact I applied to multiple positions from the EPA to the Forestry commission, but I got turned down. And of course I did, because I don't have any experience. Because in my rose tinted glasses I forgot that you need years of experience to be able to help out in the environment. Not just anyone can help the less fortunate it takes years of experience. I am saying that to be half a smart ass and half realist. But that always makes me think of the never ending cycle of "experience". Like you need experience to get pretty much every job even the "entry level" positions. Not exactly "entry level if you need 3 years of specialized sales experience in an electronics industry. You pretty much need experience to get experience it's impossible. 

So I now I can see why life is a rat races people just running around blindly after the money to "Ball". You got ta ball dawg! You ain't living life if you ain't ballin ya dig playboy? Got to have a fresh set off kicks, some spinning rims, and a fancy ass phone if you want to get the hoes son! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY??? FUCK THAT SHIT! 

Although I am not exempt from this myself. I do like to ride a fly ass bike! But last time I checked you don't get much play from the ladies if you are on a bike no matter how funky phresh it is. So having a fly bike is really just for my own aesthetic taste.

Let me tell you a story that happened a few years back. Once upon a time I was in Young Avenue Deli here in Memphis, TN having a few brews. When a girl walked up to me and my then less flaky friend Cameron. She said Hello to both of us but then after talking for a little bit she isolated me and proceed to have a very flirty conversation with me. So right before things got serious she said, "stand up for a second I want to check you out".

I guess she wanted to make sure I was worthy enough to share a bed with her later on in the evening. So she looked me up and down and like what she saw, until. . .she saw my shoes! That's right people women apparently do look at your shoes. So then she said, "Ohh my god those shoes are soo old and tattered! I would never fuck you if you wear shoes like that!"

Then her shallowness hit me like a freight train. So I said, "okay glad I found this out now, I mean I wouldn't want to sleep with someone so shallow. . ." then I paused to look around at the shoes everyone in the bar was wearing to point her in a good direction. I saw a guy wearing a pair of shiny Nikes, and I said, "well his shoes sure are fancy I guess he might be more of what you are looking for". My young female companion stormed off to go talk with someone else, obviously angered by my frankness. But her night obviously ended in failure, as I soon found her talking to me once again as I was standing outside taking in the night air. She asked me if I wanted to go back to her place! I was shocked of course because my tattered mocassins weren't up to her standards before, and I am sure her standards didn't change in the span of an hour or two. So assumed her night was met with bitter disappointment, as she found no one in the whole bar that night wearing shoes good enough to warrant going home with her. So here she was back with old tattered mocassin man. I tried to tell her I wasn't interested but this pissed her off, heaven forbid a man in mocassins turn her down!

So then she went on about how she lost her phone and I stole it ( to try and create a scene). So then she demanded I take her back to her place so I could at least help her find her phone, at this point the other by standers were interested in her irate rant and were wondering if I did steal her phone (I mean I am a minority in the south it's highly likely). So then she said "if I don't find my phone right now I am going to go home and smoke this joint!", if that was her idea of threatening me it didn't work I was unafraid as ever. 

So then I made a joke back to her, something along the lines of: "If I don't find my diaphragm right now I am going to smoke this blunt". 

So that pushed her over the edge, and as she stormed off she said, "What the fuck ever I am going to drive off in my Passat go smoke my dro and drink my wine you broke bitch. . .you probably don't even know what a diaphragm smells like!"

Everyone else standing around eavesdropping started chuckling, at the insanity of that comment. Like I should be ashamed at never having smelled a used diaphragm. I guess my life is a sham then since here I am at age 22 and I have yet to smell some strange woman's diaphragm! I might as well ride on my bike as fast as I can against traffic and end my sad life. . . 

So anyway let me end this buy going back to my AIM conversation. So I told my friend the following little thought: Why work 30 years to try to save up for retirement?? That's what everyone does it seems. It is like a tunnel vision. As soon as we start preparing for college we are brain washed by our parents, guidance counselors, and teachers to get a good high paying job so you can retire with money saved up, so we can travel the world and go to exotic locations!!! Ummm. . . why wait!?! Why should I throw away my prime years in a cubicle getting arthritis and writing reports for policies and finances I don't give a flying shit about? Why can't I just do my traveling now while I am young, why wait till I am in pain and old? It seems dumb to me, and that's why I am not going to put it off I am going to travel while I am young. Sure I probably won't ever have a serious relationship through out my 20s since I am not a sedentary individual and therefore not a good candidate for a serious relationship. I mean what woman wants a long term relationship with someone who plans on just traveling to other countries and staying away for months or even years at a time? And even if someone does want to do that, they also have to come to terms with the fact that I still have old tattered mocassins! Sorry ladies and everyone else I wear what I like to wear, if you want to sneer at me or call me gay or whatever go right ahead it doesn't faze me in the slightest. If it did I would be another clone out here in the streets wearing baggy jeans and tall tees. . .

Me, myself, and I. . .

What a holiday it has been. I have learned soo much in such a short amount of time it is astounding. It also makes me envy (almost) the ignorant. The ignorant masses who just buy into what their predecessors tell them about the world, never making any firm decisions for themselves. In a way this blog is for them. 

Before I start this blog I don't know if I can even finish it, there is just so much to be said. There is so much to talk about in fact that I doubt I will be able to top this blog in terms of sheer emotion for awhile to come. And if I do have more emotional moments in my life I hope they are happy. In fact I am tempted to just put everything out there on the line in this one, and I just might. So without further ado let's begin. . .

So I have been back living in America for awhile and the veil of friendliness and fun has faded, leaving me with a reality more bitter than I ever knew it to be. But surely the things around me have always been like this and I was just so optimistic in the past that I was walking around oblivious in my own self made land of happiness and gum drops. But life has worn me down over the years leaving me with shattered fragments of a past I thought I had but was all just bullshit. Like I have no idea how this reality has just crept up on me so suddenly. So what is this reality!?! Let's break it down into 4 categories family, friend, "relationships" and lastly myself.

Family: I always thought my family was a model family, always about education and good morals. I thought that everyone was there to build up the next member of the family not kick them while they are going through hard times. What I found out since being back for a few weeks is far from the truth. First there was some talk about what I was going to do next with my life. My grandmother made a joke at my expense saying, "Ohh he is going to be just like Aunt Monique just jobless and hopeless, hahaha". What the hell kind of shit is that? I was angry at such a hateful remark. With that remark she had pretty much offended 2 family members at once. Then there was another joke made by her at my cousin Greg's expense. Greg is having "relationship problems" with his girlfriend. So when she once again didn't come to one of his family functions it was pointed out in a joking fashion to a room full of family members. Again what the fuck. And my mom is always so worked up about me and my sister. I know my mom means well, but she is just way to conservative for my tastes. Well it isn't that she is conservative it's just she is old fashioned and believes in what I believe to be dated practices. But I still love my mother even though we always have clashes here and there. I try not to give her a hard time but it is inevitable. There were some other small family quarrels and little unnecessary comments made but I won't dwell on it for too long. But I still love my family dearly just surprised that I could have been so wrong in my thoughts of the. And I don't mean everyone in my family because some are just as sweet and caring as I thought they were.

Friends: Definitely the most alarming and disappointing realization are the ones concerning my "friends". I mean you get to chose your friends! So when I came to my senses on my friends it hurt the most because I wanted to keep believing in the fantasy illusions concerning my friends. When it came to my friends I could keep deluding myself for just a little bit longer. But I realized I couldn't keep telling myself lies forever, I would have to face the reality sooner or later. Like when Cameron avoided my calls or public interactions with me, I told myself oh he is just busy. I didn't tell myself the truth which I knew, oh he is inconvenienced when he hangs out with me. How is he inconvenienced by me though!?! We'll we took different paths in our lives he became a frat guy and I became a hippie, those two types only get together when there is a drug deal to be made. The other guys in his frat probably don't like me and as a result Cameron must not either. You know the whole "Mob mentality". When I went to Nashville Cameron was there too but we didn't drive together I went with Chris and Charles. And Cameron went with Sam and frat guy #4. Frat guy #4 made a comment about my pants at the show, something along the lines of how tight they were. Too which I responded thanks for that observation anything else I should know about my wardrobe? I mean I didn't know he was the fashion police. That probably pissed him off so then Cameron made a comment about it as well, to reassert his position in the frat (like a wolf reasserts himself in the pack). Then they got pissed off when other people at the concert complemented me on one of my many silly hats. At that point they came to the conclusion that since other people at this concert liked my individuality both the men and women, that "everyone at this show must be a bunch of fags". Sweet generalization right?

So Saturday night I had my illusion of my friends flipped upside down and set on fire, like a Ford Expedition driving on Firestone tires (the ones that explode). The night started with me eating a sandwich and drinking a beer by myself (tell you why in "relationships"). After that some shit went down at Bradley's house which involved a drunken guy going ape shit beating and kicking Bradley's door, yelling about some money or something. And before that Charles completely ate shit on my fixed gear bike. So those events were exciting and I had a lot of hope for the rest of the night after having such a lonely and crummy start. So the plan was to go to Margaret sister's house for a party. It would turn out to be like either my 3rd or 4th redneck party, and the racial tension was so thick I could have turned it into a soup. I walked in wearing my raccoon skin hat, and instantly pissed a bunch of people off. I didn't quite pick up on the racism at this point but I immediately got grilled on it. One of the women there said "why are you wearing that hat?".

To which I replied, "I just like to wear silly hats". Then she turned and whispered what I had just said to someone sitting next to her like I wasn't speaking in English. And the whispers continued as I went back to say hello to Mary and to get a beer. Some of the guys followed me back I guess to make sure I didn't steal anything or rape any of the women! So then I was starting to realize "hmmm something isn't quite right here". So in the back room one of the women who had  been divorced at least once (as was everyone else there) took a fancy too me. And started up a kind of flirty conversation with me about China. She had seen my video of my apartment but lumped Japan in with China in an ignorant fashion (you know all dem' asians shall do look a like). I forgave her stupidity on the matter and didn't see it as racist because she didn't really know me so maybe it was a common mistake!?! So one of the guys who had followed me back went ahead and put a stop to our conversation with this little number: "You get hit on in China only to come back to get hit on in Memphis! Guess you two are going to run off into the Jungle together?". This was followed by a painfully awkward silence before someone asked about a movie that was playing on the TV in the room. Then Margaret lead me and Chris back to the front room where I made some small talk in an attempt at being nice. I said something about the Zip Line they had in the back yard, and where it ended. The answer I got was "Ohh that Zip Line goes to Africa, you should get on it"! Then one of the guys made a comment about how the party could not possibly go on with me there, obviously hinting at maybe using force to eject me from the party. At this point I realized that I was trapped in a house full of angry divorced rednecks! And then like clockwork Obama was brought up!

"First they take over the White House and now they are coming into our homes, these people must be crazy".

And similar comments were made all night. But wait a minute here some of the people at this party were my friends, people I had have known for years, surely they would take my side and save me. WRONG! Almost all of my friends said off handed remarks to me as well, as if this whole situation was my fault! Gauging by how drunk and angry people were I am sure that the party wasn't too "merry" even before my arrival. So it was convenient (for them at least) for me to arrive at the party because then they could pin all that was wrong in their failed lives and marriages on me. Before I got there they could just be angry at each other for all the fucked up shit that happened, but once I came then they had a common grievance. . .ME! I can imagine them thinking unanimously, "Boy I sure do hate my life and the way it turned out and I hate everyone else here, but if it's one thing I hate more than all of that it's a nigger!". So I was disappointed, to say the least, in my "friends". But I supposed I could see where they were coming from some of my attackers were there family members and family comes first! So based on their environment alone they had to adapt and that adapting meant attacking me. 

It kind of hurts though I have known some of these people for 9 years almost half my life, and they turned on me in an instant. Well sorry guys if I ruined your night, and "inconvenienced" you. . . I suppose it was only okay to be my friend when we were younger, but now that we are adults it isn't "okay" to have minority friends. Oh and I am not sure if it was because she was really drunk or what, but Meg was my only friend who didn't say anything off handed. And I have only known Meg for a short while yet she turned out to be the most dependable! I will never forget you now Meg. Nor your legs in those shorts!! ^_^

"Relationships": Good ole' Saturday night, what a night it was! Woke up hungry with nothing to eat (right after Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday!). So I decided I should go out have a beer and get something to eat and enjoy some good conversation with some people. So I texted Brandon first to see if he was down for pizza and beer, then I texted Kendra with the same inquiry figuring the more the merrier, and also because on Thanksgiving night I kind of left Amanda's apartment abruptly, which is where Kendra was. But coming from partying it up in midtown to lame ass CBU, where it is just 2 people laying down on a couch is a definite downer (for me at least). So I hope if they are reading they can understand my logic I wanted to party it up not sit on a couch and watch TV. So anyway Brandon texted me saying that he couldn't come because he was broke. But Kendra could come, so I was happy because at least someone was coming and I felt I kind of owed it to her more than anyone else. I don't mean that to sound full of myself and saying I am doing her a favor by letting her eat pizza with me. It's just my interactions with her are eerily similar to my interactions with my ex-girlfriend Marjorie. And I hated how things went between me and Marjorie, I still do hate how things went. She would give up so much for me but when it was time for me to make sacrifices for her I either complained or just plain flaked out. Everything bad about that relationship was because of me, I saw my mistakes, but made no effort to correct them. And now all I can think of is how foolish I was and still am. I told myself that I wouldn't be the same way again in another relationship, but I have and haven't been the same. I have been pretty much the same, but my loophole here is that I haven't had another "girlfriend" just interactions so I can somehow justify it that way. Somehow I find justification in acting just as callous now as I did then. 

So anyway when the time came I called Kendra and she didn't answer so later on I sent her a text as I sat by myself eating a sandwich and drinking a Black & Tan. Realizing that I would probably not see her or Brandon tonight I called Marjorie to try one more time to salvage anything that was left, but she deserves something better, and I think at this point we both know it. As much as I would like to say I have tried I won't know it for sure until I am in an official relationship. So in a way I wanted Marjorie and me to get back together so I could give back to her what she had given to me, and to test myself to see if I had really grown as a person or was I just deluding myself some more. But I am going to just let Marjorie go and hope with all my heart she ends up happy in her life, with someone that will sacrifice everything they have just to be by her side. Meanwhile I hope I find someone so foolish to do something similar with me.

And I am still crippled by my fickleness, and mood swings. Like before I left for Japan I was talking with Kendra a bit and things were a bit rocky, but it was good overall. When I thought back about the situation in Japan I was happy. But then fast forward to the next time I am in town and I was let down, and a bit angry. I saw Kendra again for only a short time and I was disappointed when I tried to get Kendra to come hang out with me at my place and she said no. So when I left this time and started reflecting in Japan I just remember disappointment, and that would go on to affect the next meeting which has already transpired, which wasn't too good either. Once again I am most likely 100% at fault here. And I am not sure if I care anymore about even trying with these relationships. I am so sheltering of my feelings and don't want to get hurt so much that I sometimes avoid happy moments, out of fear of the inevitable moments of sadness and melancholy those happy times will come with. But all that leaves me with is just sad times though. 

Myself: So all of this makes me look at myself again. Seeing my friends turn on me and seeing my family act in a way so bizzare to me made me think that I should just withdraw completely into myself. Let's face it life is crummy so why should you let other people's crummy lives bring down your own? Why not just deal with your own bullshit life by yourself? I want to hope this is possible that I can just go to the Peace Corps and be all alone just me and nature, but I don't even know, anymore. A VERY large part of me wants to just pick up and leave Memphis for good and just leave behind most of the people I have meet here and just cut off ties and start fresh. I want nothing more now than to start over and make new friends and new potential girl friends, and forget about all the heartache here. But that is always my answer, when stuff gets me down I just turn tail and run away. That was always my answer to just run away, but this time I am going to try to stand firm and fight, I will get tired of running eventually. But if I feel that I will lose I will run again and lick my wounds until the next battle. It's always better to live to fight another day. But no matter how bad it seems I am happy to have just the hardships I have in my life, because I know that somewhere else in the world the last problem someone has to worry about is whether to find new friends or not. But with that said I am seriously thinking of just withdrawing into myself for awhile. . .

RIP Myspace

Keeping it short for now. But I cancelled my myspace account in an effort to get rid of extraneous crap in my life I don't really need. Plus I barely even used my Myspace account so I am glad to be able to end it. And I have decided on the Peace Corps. And I have received criticisms from many people on my choice. But it is MY choice and my life so it doesn't matter. But I always welcome constructive criticisms. And I am glad that most of the criticisms I have received were backed with sound arguments. Now I just need to get those other 2 recommendations and send in my application. . .

The revelation

Don't you just love the South?

So first of all I wanted to say that this week has been filled with some of the most enjoyable days I think I have had ever!! On tuesday I went out on a bike ride with 3 other bikers. It was the biggest bike group I had ridden with ever (in Japan it was usually just me). That statement can be misconstrued I have ridden with a large number of people before but I wouldn't count that because those rides were for transportation only, moving from point A to point B. But the ride tuesday was just for the ride. Needless to say it was quite cold and I had on no socks, as is usual for me. And yesterday I went to Nashville to see Kings of Leon. I must say yesterday was an excellent day just because things went right, like almost everything that could have gone right for me did. So I had one insanely fun day and one day where things just went my way all day long. ^_^

I am not going to talk too much about those two days and all the fun I had because there is something more pressing. I called this blog revelation for a reason. So in all these days zipping around doing what ever fun things I can find and burning through my cash reserves (thanks to my new bike project), I realized that something was wrong. I didn't just realize that something was wrong I always knew subconsciously. . .

So for the past week or so my vision for my future was split into two different visions: either moving to California or going to Eastern Europe in the Peace Corps. Moving to California is what I really want to do, in fact I wanted to do that when I was in college before the whole Japan idea. So then why is my vision split between my real aspiration and something so foreign? 

Before I answer that I have to examine the Peace Corps with one thing in context. The context here is that I love traveling and experiencing new cultures, but I find other cultures are best to just "experience" it is hard to complete adapt to a whole new culture all at once, it taxes all your mental and physical capacities all at once. I am not saying that it is impossible just that it's not something I could do at this point in my life. So with a frame of reference laid out let's look at the Peace Corps.

If I went with the Peace Corps I would get to travel to a new location for 2 years and make a difference in the lives of other people. As a volunteer in the Peace Corps I wanted to do work dealing with the environment since getting into biking I have become a real hippie and now I am all about saving the environment and getting more people on bikes and off of cars. But I have no idea how to get a foot into the door in the environmental industry. So the Peace Corps was going to be my ticket. But as much as I care about the environment there are arrangements in the Peace Corps that are in no way realistic to someone as myself. I am not going to elevate myself falsely into some selfless saviour of the derelict members of society (I may be a derelict myself haha).

So now let's examine these "arrangements" which may or may not exist because I am pretty sure these are all on a case by case basis, but being the overall pessimistic optimist I am I usually just assume I will get screwed. So I assumed that my conditions would be all the worst. This would mean that I would have to live with a host family the whole time I was there, the roads would be unpaved and be horrible for fixed gear cycling, and I would probably get there and either get sick or want to leave. The first is by far the worst of the 3 things I just listed. There is no way I could live with a host family I would never be able to relax I would always try to go out of my way to create a harmonious environment and give back to them, since they would take me into there home and would undoubtedly not have much. I mean the Peace Corps isn't sending me on vacation I would be going to 3rd world countries to help out, countries like Kyrgyzstan and Azerbaijan. The other 2 aren't as bad I could make some conversions to my bike to make it an off road fixie, and I am a veteran of living overseas now so I could probably cope better a 2nd time around. And I am not even factoring in language here and my ability to communicate with the locals that is a big thing too, but the 1st hurdle of the host family is just not realistic, as selfless as I strive to be I know that something just going against my character. And after spending so much time looking at myself I can say that living with a host family is a catalyst for disaster for me.

So why then is this the Peace Corps even an option for me? If my dream truly is to go to California, why not just lock my sights on California and make it happen!?! 

Well not too long ago I had a conversation with Lucifer about somethings, and he brought me to my senses. And no I am not talking about that Lucifer but rather a friend I have from New York. It took him shoving my own shit down my throat to make me snap out of my stupidity and realize what drives me. Lucifer told me that I make irrational decisions! He said "going to Eastern Europe is dumb you already had one bad experience overseas so why waste time doing it again?". 

Then I came back with some bullshit about loving to travel and it would be different somehow this time. It genuinely could, but he called me out for saying bullshit. It was at that point I wanted to just weasel out of the conversation I was being forced to deal with my own inane crap, and I just wanted to turn tail and run. But I didn't I stayed in the conversation because I was curious as to where it might lead. And boy am I glad I hung around that was the biggest moment of clarity ever for me! The first was when I was talking to Shianna, who is quite a bit younger than me, but wise beyond her years. Well Shianna just gave me advice I drew my own clarity from her straightforwardness. Lucifer's moment of clarity was more abstract and indirect which might have lead it to being a bigger sense of clarity. Lucifer had taken something I always knew deep down, something so familiar, and made it abstract to me. He had in essence made me look at myself in a funhouse mirror, in particular the one that stretches you out and makes you look really tall and important. 

After talking to Lucifer I realized clearly what my real dream is. It's not to go off jet setting to some foreign country and learning a new language in order to have a life there, it's not just settling for something or just giving up hope and becoming bitter, nor is it going to California. Although I enjoy all of those things and would do any of them in a heart beat. But those aren't dreams those are just aspirations, side distractions that make my real dream possible. And that dream is to get out of Memphis. . .

I didn't just realize this I always knew I didn't like the south and it's ultra conservative mindset. As David Cross said, "if Osama Bin Laden really hated america for our freedom Denmark and Sweden would be fucked, since they are freer than we are.

But it is the overbearing need to be free of the south that drives me to make my decisions, and it is this that is my dream. It is this very reason why I say things to myself like "Well if I don't make it to California I will just go to Eastern Europe". There is a huge disconnect between those two things. I am so blinded by my need to leave the south that I will jump at any opportunity to be free from it indefinitely. But I am not acting like this is the case I slink around here and then all of a sudden jump at something sporadically there is no plan no focus. I act  on desperation only. Even though I realize my decisions are irrational; even though I have identified what my real dream is, I still will probably act irrationally. The thing is that now I will know I am acting irrationally. So it looks like that my revelation was pointless, it wasn't even a revelation it was an epiphany really, but it isn't pointless it makes a world of difference (to me at least). 

I am going to take steps to be more patient and to think about the long term instead of just the present and the short term. 

LEADER

Emi's Leader!!

I am looking at new bike and I think the Leader Bike frame looks freakin' sick. I think I will get that frame for myself for Christmas. Emi from the Mash SF crew rides a leader, or at least he did until it got stolen. Oh and I got to ride my bike last night! Bradley brought a spare wheel by my place and we biked over to a house where a bunch of other bikers were at. Last night was perhaps the crunkest night I have had since coming back. All the riders I met last night were really cool people, and they know how to party (what biker doesn't!?!). I even had a "Japanese" moment. I was sitting on the couch and I was out of it, and the two girls sitting next to me were like you are really cute can we like take some pictures with you. I was just lying there and didn't say anything or do anything. So they just started taking my picture and I could careless. I had gotten used to having my picture randomly taken in Japan, but it was slightly odd to have an American want to take my picture. But both of the girls were pretty cute one more so than the other, but yea I wouldn't mind seeing them again. 

So after sitting around drinking for a few hours and talking about bikes and other random stuff we listened to a bit of music and some of the people started leaving to go to various places. I got on my bike with the intention of biking over to Chris and Bob's place but it was a bit too cold so I just took a detour to my place and Chris came by to pick me up. We went to Alex's tavern where a whole bunch of random stuff happened. Among which was an arguement that almost lead my friends and I into getting a fight. I was at Alex's with Chris, Julie, and Ashley. Julie and I used to go to elementary school together and I didn't recognize her at all but she recognized me instantly (for some reason). But yea so it had been awhile and I knew Bradley was going out with someone named Julie; I just didn't know that the Julie he is going out with is the one I know from elementary school. So that was a bit surprising. 

So yea it was about 4am and I was still out partying it up. Alex's is open till like 5am or something it was a lot less shady this time around then the last time I was there. So that was good, and Ashley was pretty hot so that made the night better. And despite the fact I was completely wasted I think Ashley probably likes me. She like got really pissed off when some frat guy said some shit to me. It was like we had been going out for awhile, in fact I felt like we had been going out the whole night. I was very comfortable being around her, everything just seemed so familiar. And later on that night she was saying that I looked like one of her ex-boyfriends, a mexican guy. I said it must be my hat that makes me look like I am hispanic, and she said, "well take it off let me see you without it."

Despite the fact that is was cold I did. And she said that I look cute without the hat. That made me think how many times had a similar situation occurred in Japan. Like how many times have their been similar conversations of which I was completely oblivious to small details in a conversation due to a difference in language. I am sure that it must have happened a lot, oh well all I know is that my picture is on a ton of Japanese girls cellphone. 

But back to the night at hand we left Alex's and went to Chris and Bob's place and kept the party alive. At around 7am I was completely trashed and could barely keep my eyes open or stand I felt like a double amputee Gilbert Gotfried. So Chris dropped me back by my place. And as I lay in my dark room I thought if I would be able to find Ashley on facebook the next day. Luckily I did (^_^).  Definitely don't want to read too much into the previous night, but if I was going to try and go out with someone right now it would definitely be Ashley. But like I said don't want to take too much from 1 drunken night/morning. But regardless of whether she is single or in a relationship definitely want to hang out with her again before I like leave town or the country or whatever the hell I am going to do next. But at this point it looks like I may just leave the US again and this time go to Eastern Europe if I get accepted into the Peace Corps. It is both good and bad my volatile lifestyle gives me lots of chances for exciting things to happen, not to mention chances to experience tons of different cultures, but on the other hand doesn't leave me any time for relationships. I don't think there is anyway I will find a girlfriend who is up for constantly moving to different countries, riding bikes, and living a green life. I am sure I must have meet at least one girl in my life who would love to travel around the world with me and experience new cultures but I am sure that who ever she is, she is long gone by now. I think I may have a short fling though. I mean why not. . .

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I am never usually this fresh yo. . .

Now that I am unemployed relaxing everyday I have a lot of time to catch up on my sleep after all that insomnia last month. It feels good being able to wake up whenever. If there is one thing I hate it's waking up extremely early. So I have looked for a few jobs here in America so far have had no luck. My mom is telling me the same thing now as when I left it takes 6 months to find a job. If that truly is the case then I suppose I can tack on another 2 months due to the floundering economy. I will say that the job market in America looks a lot worse than it was the last time I was here, but it wasn't like I was expecting it to get any better. 

I am thinking I am going to once again focus my efforts on another country my top picks are still Amsterdam, Hong Kong, and Canada (In that order). The easiest of those 3 to work in is probably Hong Kong. I would say in as little as a month I could have a job in Hong Kong and be ready to board a flight out to China. People are probably wondering won't that be just like Japan? The answer would be yes and no it will still just be a ton of asians but there will also be a lot more people from other parts of the world too but asians will definitely be in abundance. 

It would seem however I would go there and a series of mishaps would happen to me and then I would be right back where I started again. But I am a veteran of living overseas now this won't be my first time I won't have tons of anxiety when I go. That first time I went to Japan I was like gripped by fear and uncertainty. Like I didn't even get out of my seat on the 12+ flight over. The Japanese lady next to me kept asking me if I was okay. I wasn't okay but I said I was least she think I am a terrorist or something. I would love to have someone from America go with me of all the friends I have I can only think of maybe 1 or 2 that would seriously go with me. Sure I talk with a lot of my friends about the possibility, but I know I am really just humoring them because I know in my mind there is no way they would possibly do what I have done. 

So you may be wondering who those 2 globetrotters are!?! They are Cameron and Geoffrey. Cameron is an obvious person to want to live overseas and experience a different culture and way of life, because he has done it before and is doing it again (he is going to Africa with the Peace Corps next year). And Geoffrey is just a free spirit I know we only talk about nonsense most of the time, but I admire young Geoffrey's other worldly thoughts and ideas. Plus it's never a dull moment with Geoffrey is around. So he is kind of a double edged sword because I am sure if me and him were out living in another country we would get into some trouble (but overall it would be an amazing time). But Geoffrey is still in school and having a degree of some sort is kind of a necessity to living overseas so technically he wouldn't be able to make the trip with me.

Now that I think about it their is a 3rd person, again she is someone who is currently living overseas. Actually there are 2 girls living overseas I would consider. But the other one I won't really consider because I find her reasons and situation a bit ridiculous for my taste. Plus the girl I am considering (who isn't ridiculous) is wayyy hotter. If you are reading this Erin you looked good in that black dress that night I ran into you at Rocky Mountain. So yea those are the only 3 people I would seriously consider living with overseas. I am not basing this on looks and other trivial things for others out there who are reading and wondering "What the hell!?! Why didn't I make the list??". I have an index called "The Sedentary index" on which I rate people I know, and based on factors such as financial situation, interpersonal relationships (i.e. having a boyfriend or girlfriend), spontaneity, willingness to travel (amount of previous overseas trips), and most importantly openness of mind (you got to eat new foods, and do stuff you have never done before).

Actually I just had a stroke of brilliance looking at my own "Sedentary index" I know the perfect candidate. He is lacking in one area which is Interpersonal Relationships since he currently has a girlfriend and they have been together for awhile now, so long in fact he was considering marrying her. But I know how faithful he is (joking of course) and I know that he is saying that his girlfriend is starting to get on his nerves and they argue about petty stuff all the time. But this is the perfect individual. Although I know we will undoubtedly corrupt each other. I will corrupt him to once again be unfaithful to his gf. I am not 100% positive that I have been a catalyst for him to cheat on her before, but it is highly likely. I practically handed him a girl to cheat on her with. But yea he is the most open minded person I have ever met and possible ever will meet in my life. Speaking of which he just signed into AIM going to talk with him about this now. PEACE!