Are you going to eat the rest of that baby?

Ahhh I love how I can't ever resist anything. I am very easily tempted. I told myself I wasn't going to drink last night and I wasn't going to, but of course I found an excuse to drink, and so I did. I don't regret my decision to drink one bit. I got to drink with Brandon who I rarely see, and that was the reason for the season. Also Brandon's gal Amanda (Fitz as she is commonly called) is currently over in Spain freaking the hell out. He was telling me this and I remembered when I freaked out when I first got to Japan. The memories hit me so hard that I freaked out just remembering about freaking out. I gave Fitz some words of encouragement since I have been through what she is going through. Except I think my case might have been slightly worse. I had no one to pick me up at the Airport and if you ever fly into Tokyo and arrive in Narita airport it is MASSSIVE! Narita literally looks like it is half the size of the entire city of Memphis. There seems to be a million people running to get where they are going, and I was just kind of standing in the way pissing everyone off since I didn't actually think WHAT I was going to do when I got to Tokyo. I ended up having to catch a bus it took like 3 hours to get on a bus I thought might be the right one, and then once I got on the bus I didn't know where to get off everything was in Japanese. Looking back I have no freaking idea how I made it to where I was supposed to be. I wished I had someone to pick me up at the airport to help me out, but I got nothing. 

I am just going to dedicate this whole blog to Fitz. And say going overseas is the best decision you can possibly make it let's you grow up ALOT! I am not the same person I was before I left for Japan, and I like the person I have become. Everyday will be an adventure, and once you meet someone to show you around you will discover all the sweet things to do in your new host country. Including sampling the local alcoholic beverages ^_^.  I remember when I was going to go to a wine tasting festival in Japan, but I tasted a little too much beer before hand and ended up missing the whole thing. But most importantly being overseas forces you wayyyy out of your comfort zone. It's like having your body just held 3 inches away from the surface of the sun, as it sears an scorches your flesh. You have NO ONE to rely on it's just you and only you. No lifelong friends, no family nearby, no derelict zombie babies, NOTHING. So hang in there Fitz, and don't use that blank plane ticket I hear you have. You have it way easier than I did trust me, I couldn't even buy a plane ticket home from Japan I had to call home and have my mom buy a ticket in my name. So don't be a pussy man the hell up!

I just can't remember

This is what I looked like writing this blog

So last night I wasn't planning on going out and doing anything it was a freakin Thursday. Well as I laid around doing nothing I received a phone call from Chris, he told me people were up at the Young Ave. Deli. I figured ehh why not, might as well head up there. I am glad I did I saw tons of people who I had no idea were in town. Nick was there from the army Julie was there (I could have sworn she had left with Bradley), and a few other peeps were there, some I hadn't met before. Last night I wasn't going to do a lot of things I wasn't going to drink or anything like that, but once again I was like ehh why not. I hadn't really done anything this week other than go to the gym and workout.

So obviously I got really drunk and had a pretty good time. Which is good because I definitely don't plan on doing anything tonight. When I got back home I made a sandwich, and it reminded me of Jazzy. I have no idea why a sandwich could possibly remind me of anybody, but at the time I thought it was clever. I really wish I knew what it was about the sandwich that reminded me of her lol. It's killing me now I need to know. And she is the young lass I mentioned a little while back. 

It is interesting how people meet sometimes. In the case of me and her, someone was harassing her friend, so that drove her to come sit next to me on the pool table. It was totally unexpected. I had spent the night "lady watching", meaning I would just glance around and think man I should ask her out or her out. But I didn't make any effort to approach any of the women out that night. But in the end I didn't have to because one approached me. And I definitely noticed Jazzy and her friend they kind of lit up the dingy bar. So we hung out quite a bit before she went back to Miami for school. I wouldn't really say we are "an item" and she is my girlfriend, but that's not to say I wouldn't like to say she is. Jazzy is a beautiful girl for sure. I just wish I had told her that before she left.

In fact we went to A Tan to eat lunch one day and I had so much I wanted to do and tell her that day, but I didn't do any of that. It's weird how I will plan things out meticulously sometimes then I won't do anything I plan out at all. In this case I was going to run up to her and give her a big hug and a kiss and then tell her, "You need to STOP! (pause for dramatic effect) looking so beautiful!", super corny I know. And then I was going to spend the rest of the day chillin with my little Jazzy. But I didn't do any of my plan I definitely was way more reserved :(. I don't know I kind of wish I did do what I planned out, but at the same time I wonder if that would have come across awkward. But of course I don't think I will ever know, UNLESS Jazzy happens to be reading this, and she tells me herself how it would come across. And now I wonder who all exactly reads my blog? I know about 10 or so people that read this little blog of mine, but who are the others?! TELL ME!!!!!!!!

I have changed a lot through these years. .

I am reflecting on who I once was and who I am now, and I must say I have changed pretty dramatically. It wasn't an overnight thing it was a gradual change through the years. I am still the same in some aspects but overall I have made big changes to who I am. I remember being a nerd in high school telling people not to drink and smoke and then I ended up in the same boat with them, I have quite the taste for a good beer! I am still a nerd though. Except my nerdiness focuses on cycling related things, like how many gear inches can I effectively push. And yes I have an Excel spreasheet of Gear inches and skid patches! I want to try and go forward with no regrets, but I am not even sure if that is possible; unless I can somehow see the consequences of each and every decision I make before I make the decision. I am no psychic, so that means I will live with regrets. People could guess pretty easily what most of my regrets are centered around. . .. relationships. 

Failed relationships, relationships that could have been, and relationships that were never meant to be. But I know my path in life keeps me scattering around, never wanting to stay in one place for too long. I guess it's my way of rebelling against what seems to me to be the norm here in Memphis, a sedentary existence. I just can't see myself living in Memphis, or much of the United States for that matter, for any extended period of time. So that really doesn't leave me much chance at any worthwhile relationships but I try anyway haha. I should quote a Radiohead song here "You do it to yourself, just you, just you and no one else". And you know what I live the stereotypical bachelor existence, at times I am really happy with just me but then sometimes I am really down. At times when the sun is shining and I am on my bike listening to some Jimi Hendrix with the wind in my face I am super happy, it let's me escape plus I have the thrill of knowing if I slip and fall the car behind me will crush me into oblivion. And YES, I have slipped before and almost been crushed, it was exhilarating! I am not Suicidal but one of my hats would lead you to think otherwise ^_^.

So I will say that next week is going to be a big week for me in fact this weekend "has" the potential to be a big weekend. I will expound upon the weekend first. Last night there was a spoken word event downtown this was my 2nd time going. And people (ladies) definitely noticed me the first time, oblivious to me. So when I went this second time I was a hot commodity, one young lass went so far as to offer me a romp in her bed with her! But I turned her offer and al subsequent offers down. You are probably thinking "WHAT!?! Isn't that exactly what you have wanted this whole time?". And I would answer NO! I want someone who will be there for the long term. I want to wake up with my significant other by my side. When I go out on bike rides I want her right there with me, even if she isn't as strong of a rider and can't keep up, I will slow down and ride right beside her, because no one wants to be left behind. Things can surely develop from a one night stand as this film showcases nicely. And seeing that trailer for that movie kind of made me sad and wonder what is out there. I mean I believe in fate like somethings in my life line up VERY eerily like to the point where I wonder if maybe a spirit (like of my dad) is secretly guiding me along. An example that happened earlier was after watching that trailer I laid back and said why can't I meet a really cute girl who rides a bike.

On my way to buy some Malt Liquor I saw the cutest girl ever on a sweet little bike. My heart sank because I don't have my bike and I wouldn't dare talk to a cyclist I am attracted to in my car :(. Funny thing is I was wondering if I did know her for a split second I thought she was Abby, but she wasn't (notice how I didn't say "it wasn't").

Moving on to next week. Next week I have an interview for a freakin sweet job in South Korea!! I am talking like OMG I want this job sweet. If I get the job I get 30k a year USD, a free furnished apartment, they pay for my airfare, and I can come to work in casual attire SWEETNESSS!!!! I am going to try harder for this job than anything I have done in my life, but I have to keep my composure can't come across as a needy person. So that interview is on Monday, and then on Tuesday I have my interview for the Peace Corps, which should be a breeze. I have been overseas before and instead of getting sick I worked out even harder than I think I may ever have, although I am working out pretty hard now in anticipation of my new bike. I am going to end this blog by saying thanks to everyone I have met through my life. I want to thank one person in particular though, she is going to be shocked I know. . .

But Carol I want to thank you!! No matter what decision I make you are behind me 100% you are the greatest! Sometimes even my own sister questions my logic haha, but Angelique knows I love her with all my heart, and I am sure she loves me with all her heart we are about as close as a brother and sister who live in different places/parts of the world can be. But Carol if everything goes well before I leave for South Korea we should definitely go out for a few drinks. And while I am overseas (if I get the job) I will keep you, and my little sister in my heart <3.

Aww yea!

I love this pic!

So here we are Monday January 19, 2009, and tomorrow Barack Obama will be sworn into office. Just in high school I thought something like this would never happen in my lifetime and now it is about to happen ^_^. People are still bitter and I still don't like the southern coast of the US as a result of people's ignorance. A mind is like a parachute it only works when it is open! I literally just read several things on facebook where people were praying for Obama to fall down the steps during the inauguration and one person was praying that he gets shot tonight. And that is another problem religion. People who know me are well aware of the fact I am pretty much non religious, almost atheist. Let's just say my religious status on facebook should say "It's complicated". But I do believe in the first rule of atheism which states: "Don't do the same dumb shit to other atheist that religious people do to each other".

Let's face it religious beliefs are the cause of so much persecution, death, and wars in human civilization. I don't have to point out any specific examples because we all know TONS of examples. With that said I think Christians are probably amongst the worst, yes I said it. I encounter tons of Christians here in the South and the ones I have encountered are all the hugest hypocrites I have ever met. Amongst the Christians I have encountered were quite a few racists, some adulterous, and tons who were just plain ignorant. I mean how are you supposed to be a "Christian" if you are praying to God for somebody to die? Isn't the Christian faith about tolerance and love of your fellow man? I think some wires got crossed somewhere. I just love how self righteous most Southern Christians can get, it is highly amusing as they chastise me or other minorities and other religious faiths. I can go on and on about this but I am going to say some of what I think of.

I obviously don't go to a church, but if I am not quite an atheist what do I believe in? I believe in ghosts I have tried several times to see them but to no avail, I may have seen one when I was younger but I think it might have been an old raincoat blowing in a fan. And the only reason I say this is because I will sometimes sit alone in a dark room and watch ghost videos on youtube and freak myself out, and get scared haha. And as far as the after life, I don't think we die so much as we comprehend something that is otherwise incomprehensible. I know you are like umm this guy has to be high that makes no sense, but I assure you I am not. To explain ask yourself this question: What is nothing?

If I ask most people they will say it's just a dark void, or sometimes a white void. But those are both things they are voids of a solid color. But absolute nothingness is something that the human brain cannot fathom, and the only way you can fathom this is to die. This thought is always creeping in my mind that when we die it's just absolute nothingness, but I want to believe the afterlife is what you want it to be, and I don't want nothingness to be my afterlife (I use the term "afterlife" loosely). And at a young age I was afraid to die because you don't want your life to end (unless you are suicidal and then you do). But now I don't even think I am afraid of death, because that fear kept me from enjoying life. But I am not completely reckless though, I do want to at least live till 12/12/12 to see if the world is going to end as the Mayan civilizations has me to believe. That's what I am most excited about more than even President Obama, it's what might happen in 2012. I have tons of ideas of what could happen running through my mind some based in scientific fact others just absurd crap I made up. But the anticipation is killing me. So maybe I am a nihilist then. I think I am worshipping a means to an end. . .

I am pissed!

This is ridiculous. In the past I would look at stuff like this from a distance it wouldn't really affect me at all. But this struck a chord with me, and not a good one. There was no reason for that BART officer to pull out a gun on that guy. I mean the guy was face down on the ground handcuffed, what kind of threat could he really have been. It is the freaking BART!! I can't think of many crimes involving public transportation where murder is the appropriate justice. I don't care what that guy did whatever it was he didn't deserve to be murdered. I just looked up the officer's name and it seems that Alameda County has a history of cops shooting unarmed suspects.

The officer's name is Johannes Mehserle, clearly he was abusing his power and was a complete fucking idiot, when he pulled out that gun and fatally shot Oscar Grant III (the victim). What is even more fucked up is instead of being a man about it and going in when he was asked to speak on the incident this dick resigned!!! Way to be responsible for your own actions asshole. I am not a hateful person but I am just fed up with seeing cops abuse there power here in the US. I was always under the impression cops were here to "Protect and Serve" but it seems there purpose is to murder unarmed people in cold blood. I really hope that Officer Mehserle gets what is coming to him. And I am sorry that shit like this "accidently" keeps happening. I think city leaders need to start looking at situations like this and start training their police forces better, because from where I am standing it looks like any schmuck can walk in and pick up a badge and a gun and be shooting people in no time.

I was talking to my friend Landon about it and he said that's called "Shock and Awe". Which means police just kill random people to try to scare other people from committing crimes, instead of actually solving criminal cases and preventing further criminal acts. Landon even went so far as to show me several examples of "accidental" shootings in his city. I think this is one of the reasons I don't watch the news; well this and the fact that American news is fearing mongering garbage.

In other news I have meet a really cool girl recently, and I am sure that somehow I am going to mess this golden opportunity up, being the unsmooth guy I am. More on that later ^_^.